Do
you suffer from a distressing reaction when someone around you is upset
and even though it's not about you, it still FEELS like it is.
ouch...Ouch...OUCH! That is no fun place to be, carrying all that gloom.
I've got an idea about how to get OUT from UNDER that web of co-dependency on someone else's emotions.
And it's frivolous and silly and no one else will even get the humor of
what you are doing but YOU will be laughing inside (and tickling your
funny bone).
Here's my thought. Become Alice...you know, Alice in Wonderland but this wonderland doesn't belong to the original Alice. It's YOUR "wonder"land. And here's what you're wondering about.
You're wondering how these strange characters (your family, your friends, everyone you run into) got into YOUR story...that's
YOUR life, YOUR Wonderland. And, you're wondering about the curious,
quaint and sometimes mystifying ways they think and do things. And so
you're enjoying watching them as they go through their individual
routines (that's right...I said routines...this is show business, folks).
I wonder if they are there to entertain you with their perplexing and sometimes offbeat moves. Each one is an original character with a back story and adventures to take on. How DID they land at your tea party!
Of course. I forgot you're Alice and you've gone down the rabbit hole they call earth school and now you get to meet these characters, watch their antics, interact (play) with them. Remember, this is a fantasy drama, a PLAY for goodness sakes.
NOW...what does your story look like?
Marie Helena
top image from johoffberg.com
bottom image from movies-wallpaper.net
One of the most important principles upon which the American judicial system is based is the presumption of innocence. Regardless of how heavily evidence may appear to be weighted against someone, the law requires that we consider him innocent of all wrongdoing until testimony in court proves otherwise. And holding this position can be very difficult to do when an individual has already been charged, arrested and bound over for trial. We cannot help but speculate and draw conclusions regarding what looks like culpability when law enforcement has already moved to take action.
This very conundrum of the law is also a strapping example of how we often react to
each other when we are faced with a disagreement and experience the accompanying backlash of emotion.
When an individual addresses us in an unfeeling or harsh manner or rampages over what we consider to be an innocent remark, it is a very short jaunt to our accusation that HE is guilty of creating the chaos. We pronounce him GUILTY of wrongdoing. Guilty as charged. BY us. Guilty on the face of it.
But, perhaps, this is the exact moment when we need to consider the principle of presumption of innocence.
Let me explain.
Tracy McMillan, American author, television writer and relationship expert, makes the profound observation: People act on the outside the way they feel on the inside.
Whoa! That is a very significant reveal into the psyche of others. And an important confirmation of the pain they are feeling. Someone who acts miserably is feeling miserable inside. Someone who speaks in an angry manner is angry in his heart. Someone who accuses others of wrongdoing is really accusing himself.
Here is where the principle of presumption of innocence enters the picture. Each and every one of us carries the beautiful heart we came into the world with… the lovely innocence and joy and peace of the newly born. When we incarnate, each and every one of us enters into an agreement to experience life and to learn from the lessons. But "experiencing" can be very painful, confusing and difficult and the "learning" can take a very long time. When we interact with someone who is still "learning" from his "experience", we are actually witnessing that innocent heart struggling through the self-selected challenges of earth school.
And, rather than reacting to our original perception of wrongdoing, it is a loving and generous thing for us to presume the innocence of that primal heart which is still trying to find its way through the difficulties it is encountering. That heart is still suffering… this much is clear. As Tracy McMillan tells us, we are being shown by the outside action of an individual the nature of the suffering he is enduring within.
And, it is in this moment, that we are called by Compassion to presume the innocence of an individual and the absence of his conscious, harmful intent and, instead, to extend love and understanding to him for the pain that is clearly still in emotional residence and complicating the issues at hand.
Appearances
can be very deceiving and what we see as attacks on our person are
only the countless interwoven stories of earth dwellers finding their
way through the pain of unhealed hurt and the havoc it causes when
brought to bear on a triggering situation. Supporting and
understanding others during this time of emotional affliction is an act
of unconditional love that helps them gain the hard won clarity of
self-confrontation. When we have no one to react to, we are left to examine ourselves.
"Although we cannot help but speculate and draw conclusions regarding what looks like culpability," it is an extraordinary act of trust and wisdom to offer to someone the LOVE that helps him access the inner chambers of his heart.
Marie Helena
image from pinterest
mysticmarks.blogspot.com
I believe there is a very tender place in every human heart. A place where unconditional love and compassion reside. This is a gift we come into the world with but, sadly, gets clouded over
from the limiting experiences we undergo. As a result of this, it is sometimes difficult to access this beautiful oasis because we have all been scarred by emotional debris and are in varying stages of doing the work of clearing it out.
I
believe there is a way to access this place...a way to help ourselves and to
help others connect with this beautiful resource and that is by letting
them know the emotions we are experiencing in our body.
So often, when we are triggered or affected by an assumption or a comment made by others,
we react with stony silence or a counterattack, drawing the conclusion
that we have not been supported or understood. We feel alone… and sad…
and uncared for. But the reason we feel this way may be that we have not clearly communicated in a very primal and pure way what we are physically experiencing in that moment.
When we choose to engage with another in a moment of upset or distress exclusively in the mode of this-is-what-you-did-to-me,
we miss the opportunity to avail ourselves of a resource of great power
that has the potential to bridge the chasm that we are feeling between
ourselves and another...and, that is, the sharing of the raw emotions we are experiencing.
What if when we feel upset or attacked instead of moving immediately into an expression of blame or hurt feelings, we were to take a breath and softly and gently describe the feelings that are taking hold of our body?
For example, we might make a comment such as "In this moment I feel my heart racing and my chest feels tight and I don't know why."
For
some beautiful, and, I believe, spiritual reason, the nonjudgmental
description of the emotions we are experiencing in that moment has an
intense, transformative effect on both individuals involved in the
conversation. The person describing the feelings being experienced accesses what lies beneath his surface default reaction of protecting and defending themselves. The person who hears the feelings described experiences the sharing of sacred information.
And both are transformed in that moment because they have together
entered into a journey of exploring the pain that is occurring without
the heavy armor of accusation, guilt and recrimination.
In
order for an experience such as this to take place, both individuals
need to be prepared for it and agree to this very different response to
conflict. Perhaps an understanding can be reached during a peaceful
moment to speak to each other in this manner when feeling deep distress.
There is something so intuitive, so powerful that occurs when we truly feel the stirrings...and sadness...of the human heart. That
beautiful, tender place in each of us rises up effortlessly in this
epic moment for the purpose of understanding and soothing the emotions
being revealed with such deep authenticity.
Whether
we are the person expressing the emotions revealing themselves in our
body or the person hearing them expressed by another… in this
interaction, we enter into a sacred covenant of understanding and
compassion, helping to heal ourselves and helping to heal another.
As simple as a soft, gentle step away from the usual fray we engage in and into a space of Divine interaction, offering and receiving the tender grace of a kind and loving heart.
Marie Helena
image from pinterest.com
The initial note...
the dawning...
the "ceremony"
that leads us into the space of
THE CHALLENGING EXPERIENCE.
So salient, so critical...the overture that fashions the response to what is about to unfold.
What kind of "prelude" do we usually create in that compelling moment before we engage in the discussion of a burning issue?
Do we "get right down to business"...not even noticing whether our audience is ready (and calm enough) to receive the "message" on our mind?
Do we begin by listing the words or actions that are affecting or, possibly, distressing us?
Do we describe in great detail our view of how things SHOULD have unfolded?
It would be so easy to launch into one of these approaches when we are upset and disturbed by someone's actions. But, by failing to create a space which invites heart sharing, we may well up the ante on distress and significantly lessen our chance of working out our problem with mutual intention and cooperation.
The PRELUDE that we need here in this moment (before we engage in discussion of the issue) should flow from an open heart...a heart that trusts in finding solutions that minister to EVERYONE'S needs. And this intention can be voiced as a prelude to the "discussion".
Here are some examples of what we might say...
I want to share my feelings with you and hear what your feelings are.
I want to tell you what I would like to do and have you tell me what you would like to happen.
I want to honor my feelings and also honor yours.
I trust that we will find a way to navigate this moment that will take care of both of us.
I want to give and receive love, support, joy and wisdom. And I thank you for taking the time and making the effort to do this with me."
The first moments of an encounter can meet everyone's emotional need to feel "heard" and "cared for".
By holding...and voicing...a clear and loving intention to peacefully approach our issue, we set into motion the vibrational PRELUDE that leads to peace, honoring and harmony.
Marie Helena
image from Angelsinnature.wordpress.com
