Unspeakable Kindness

 

Bestselling American author 
Geneen Roth tells us that whenever we feel an upsetting explosion of emotion that arrives unexpectedly and without invitation, it is a holy moment.  Sacred information is being revealed to us and it is our being triggered that opens this fascinating door to our awareness.

This triggering is not an easy moment for any of us.  It is messy and confusing and unpredictable...but it is real.  We can feel it in our bodies and now we can no longer pretend that nothing is wrong.  It is here and it is running the show.

Yikes, we think.  This is not how I want to express myself.  But the intensity of the moment has revealed our truth... something is very wrong and disturbing us and it wants to...it demands...to be heard.

How do we deal with this maelstrom

of emotional turbulence?

We WELCOME the messengers.

But who are these strangers who have burst into the middle of our lives?

Geneen Roth has chosen a mysterious and compelling image to describe these characters who are presenting the epiphanies  to us.  She calls them Ghost Children.  And we all have a cache of them waiting in line to be recognized and heard.

I think Roth calls these characters ghosts because they are the couriers of unresolved pain and she calls them children because they represent our innocence as we enter the world and also because they are persistent as all children are in wanting to be heard and acknowledged.

And what are we to do with these internuncios...these  emissaries of the soul longing for acknowledgment and release? Roth has a remedy to suggest.  She instructs us to welcome, love and question our ghost children.

Further, she passionately advises us to be unspeakably kind to them 

for they represent our unhealed hearts and, left unattended, they will affect the way we view life and ourselves and how we interact with others.

This may seem a very challenging way to deal with our own storm surges  and the emotional explosions of others because the very act of being triggered or of triggering others is fraught with grave tension and anxiety and the survival protection of defensiveness.

But, when a triggering occurs,  it is unhealed hurt that has gathered the courage to speak and it needs to be honored.  Hence, the unspeakable kindness Roth proposes for when our tears, metaphorical or otherwise, are attempting to show themselves for release and resolution, we will always do this more easily when we have been met with loving kindness.  When an open heart responds to our pain, we are gently encouraged to examine the circumstances that have inspired it.

When moments of Intense and disturbing gravitas are met with beautiful  tenderness, love and “unspeakable kindness” we move together through an incredible 

transmutation and healing. 

This vision of Geneen Roth is beautiful and  inspiring.  We have the ability to dream it and, having dreamt it, we can more easily manage to make this a hallmark of our lives.

                            Marie Helena

Image from pinterest 

Embracing the Shenpa

All of us, in our essence, are Love. 

A big part of our healing journey is to embrace and, thereby, release the SHENPA(which is blocking the beautiful expression of that gift), opening the pathway for our true nature to reveal itself.
                  Ken Porter 

                                            

                                                                
                                               
                                                         

EVERYBODY has experienced the very distinct sensation of being triggered by something upsetting...we feel a tension, a tightening in our emotions.  And it happens lightning fast.  And before we know it our default reaction has registered and been expressed.

In many (and I would venture to say most) cases that default is not so pretty.

 

One big example of the default is an ADDICTION.

We feel stung by a remark or an event.  It hits a point of insecurity...or an emotional wound that we have not dealt with... and we immediately turn to our "comfort" of choice (and it's not something on the health and wellness list).

Or, we might become immediately defensive or respond to our perceived hurt by  "counterattacking".

And, when all is said and done and the dust has settled, we don't feel so great about our choice or outburst.   But we were feeling so very helpless;  everything seemed so out of our control... like the issue (read TRIGGER) took over our consciousness.

And that space...the very quick space of time after the trigger was activated... is 

the Tibetan concept of shenpa.  

It's the flash that occurs BEFORE we act.  It's the upsetting emotion.

 

And it's VERY powerful.  

Especially when we back away...literally RUN away from that HOOK and grab on to something that will calm our upset and anxiety.

It's the backing away that is the problem.  

We don't want to go there.  But that space...the shenpa...is the very place we NEED to go so that we can EMBRACE this mystery...this force which drives our behavior.

 

When we open ourselves to the shenpa...

when we embrace it and let ourselves feel what is happening inside us...

we begin to see what Pema Chodron, notable American figure in Tibetan Buddhism,  calls "the whole chain reaction".  

Chodron says that "somehow, learning how to open up the space without putting [any] particular form of scratching into the equation is important."

And that is when release occurs...when  we EMBRACE this uncomfortable feeling which, if unexamined, leads to unhealthy choices and  behavior.

Chodron (and Porter) believe  

"there's some wisdom that is based on a fundamental desire for wholeness or healing- which has nothing to do with ego-grasping.  It has to do with wanting to connect and live from your basic goodness, your basic openness, your basic lack of prejudice, your basic lack of bias, your basic warmth. Wanting to live from that. It begins to become a stronger force than the shenpa and itself stops the chain reaction."

 

What we resist, persists.

What we embrace and experience reveals itself to us. 

This act of courage..of bravely facing ourselves... seems resonant with what we have come here to do and I believe it helps us access the resources we need for the work of our journey.

Now the shenpa doesn't feel so scary.  

And we are rewarded with a sense of perspective and can see the choices of response in our behavior available to us and the merits of those choices and we can more easily choose the response path of Higher Self, the self we aspire to be.   

And, in that moment, WE MEET THE SHENPA with the strength and power of our shared divinity.  And  Love once again becomes the instrument which comforts, soothes and sustains us.

                                                                                     Marie Helena
 

image from elephantjournal.com.  

One Giraffe, One Lion, Two Parrots, Four Monkeys, One Tortoise and a Zebra

My daughter Valerie is an awesome fourth grade teacher.  Her work days are spent in a  classroom teeming with excitement, delight and fourth grade emotions.  Her students are often bursting with energy which needs to be acknowledged, managed and navigated into a creative learning experience.

And Valerie is always ALL IN for whatever presents itself in the moment.   Her spontaneous responses  never fail to seize the unexpected opportunities knocking at her door.

And speaking of that “knocking”, I have a  confession to make.  While watching her from the “sidelines”, I have always loved the idea of being a part of the fun and I sometimes get these bursts of inspiration on how to make that happen.

Take this year, for example.  At the beginning of this current school year, I arranged to have a super plush, 4 foot  stuffed giraffe delivered to her classroom crammed into an Amazon delivery box.  No one knew the delivery was coming… not even Valerie. 

At this unexpected event, the  students watched while she loosened the top flap of the box and the giraffe’s head popped out, followed by an unfolding of the rest of his body and limbs.

Oooos and ahhhhs pirouetted in the air and Valerie read out loud the message the giraffe was delivering for me:  “So much to discover!”

It was a delightful moment for the kids.  Everybody is always curious when a new student joins the class.

It wasn’t very long before Valerie had positioned Spot (named by a  vote of the class) standing up at the blackboard.  Next to him were chalk notes from Spot written to the students.  Overnight, Spot had become a  teaching assistant, communicating to the students important thoughts for them to remember.

As I learned about Spot’s new assignment, I knew the giraffe would provide lots of fun for the students, but I didn’t know how soon I would be eager to introduce a new companion for him.

A few weeks later another delivery arrived to the classroom containing a  large box with another jungle animal.  This time it was a plush stuffed lion.  I hasten to explain here that it was a lion with a gentle face.  (All the jungle animals that found their way into Valerie‘s fourth grade classroom had gentle demeanors.  This was a very important rule of mine.  I wanted the students to enjoy the animals’ personalities.)

This particular lion was designed  in a reclining manner which made it easy for students to approach it before class  each day.  And it wasn’t long before Valerie found students petting  the lion and his brother giraffe.  She quickly saw that their presence was filling a need the students had to use the sense of touch to express their affection.  

As time went on, I asked myself what could be added to this awesome  duo and the answer presented itself to me In an imaginary jungle scene… Two colorful parrots!  Talking parrots.  And the two plush parrots who joined the scenario next were able to record what they heard and repeat it back to the students in their own unique parrot voices.

As animals  arrived to the classroom they typically received a name that had been voted on by the class. If any student was absent on this important day, the class waited for a full return before the vote was taken. Every vote was important.

By now the school year had reached Halloween and the students eagerly  dressed the animals for the occasion.

I was delighted to see the jungle scene was creating itself and I felt a call for some rascal energy and, soon after, four monkeys arrived each with a mischevious grin decorating his face.  Each monkey had Velcro attached to his hands and feet and so there were many interesting ways the monkeys could be displayed in the classroom.

Over time, I began to wonder what else might belong in the jungle scenario.  I wanted to surprise everyone and think of a creature no one would have anticipated.  I decided on a tortoise and no one had more fun with the new visitor than the classroom maintenance person who commented it would be fun to suspend it from the ceiling so it would look like it was swimming.

As the school year passed quickly by, I realized we were only a few weeks away from its ending.  Something in me was calling for a dramatic, final surprise.  I was ecstatic to find Stripes, an adorable, genteel, plush 30 inch zebra who was introduced to the class by Spot, his fellow sojourner.

Reflecting on the delightful events of the school year, I begin to wonder who had had more fun this year…the students or me.  Or maybe it was the maintenance man who wanted to suspend the tortoise from the ceiling as if he were swimming by.  Perhaps it was my daughter who got to use her ingenuity incorporating the new additions to her exciting classroom.

As I told a friend about this adventure of mine, she commented that the students would never forget their fourth grade experience.  I loved that thought.  I felt they would fondly remember their generous, fun-loving teacher and the jungle animals who had  helped her capture so many important lessons in the classroom.

A couple of days ago I listened to a podcast discussing a book called Homecoming.  The book is about coming home to ourselves.  I thought about coming home to myself and I realized how much I love to use my imagination to create fun, loving, surprising things.  I thought about the wonderful imagination of my daughter and her students as they enjoyed their jungle friends and I sat down to write this blog because sharing these memories made me come home to myself and what I treasure so much in my life.

How delightful it is to think about coming home to ourselves every day.  The fun… the adventure… the joy.  Coming home to whatever makes our hearts sing.  When we are immersed in these beautiful moments, I think we access the very best parts of ourselves.

What are your greatest sources of joy and adventure?  Have you accessed them today?

Spot, Stripes and the rest of the fourth grade jungle crew are wishing you an AWESOME day coming home to yourself.

                                         Marie Helena

A Tender Place

I believe there is a very tenderplace in every human heart.  A place where unconditional loveand compassion reside.  This is a gift we come into the world with but, sadly, gets clouded over from the limiting experiences we undergo.  As a result of this, it is sometimes difficult to access this beautiful oasisbecause we have all been scarred by emotional debris and are in varying stages of doing the work of clearing it out.

I believe there is a way to access this place...a way to help ourselves and to help others connect with this beautiful resource and that is by letting them know the emotions we are experiencing in our body.


So often, when we are triggered or affected by an assumption or a comment made by others, we react with stony silence or a counterattack, drawing the conclusion that we have not been supported or understood.  We feel alone… and sad… and uncared for.  But the reason we feel this way may be that we have not clearly communicated in a very primal and pure way what we are physically experiencing in that moment. 


When we choose to engage with another in a moment of upset or distress exclusively in the mode of this-is-what-you-did-to-me, we miss the opportunity to avail ourselves of a resource of great power that has the potential to bridge the chasm that we are feeling between ourselves and another...and, that is, the sharing of the raw emotions we are experiencing. 


What if when we feel upset or attacked instead of moving immediately into an expression of blame or hurt feelings, we were to take a breath and softly and gently describe the feelings that are taking hold of our body?


For example, we might make a comment such as "In this moment I feel my heart racing and my chest feels tight and I don't know why."

For some beautiful, and, I believe, spiritual reason, the nonjudgmental description of the emotions we are experiencing in that moment has an intense, transformative effect on both individuals involved in the conversation. The person describing the feelings being experienced accesses what lies beneath his surface default reaction of protecting and defending themselves. The person who hears the feelings described experiences the sharing of sacred information.  And both are transformed in that moment because they have together entered into a journey of exploring the pain that is occurring without the heavy armor of accusation, guilt and recrimination.  


In order for an experience such as this to take place, both individuals need to be prepared for it and agree to this very different response to conflict.  Perhaps an understanding can be reached during a peaceful moment to speak to each other in this manner when feeling deep distress.

There is something so intuitive, so powerful that occurs when we truly feel the stirrings...and sadness...of the human heart.  That beautiful, tender place in each of us rises up effortlessly in this epic moment for the purpose of understanding and soothing the emotions being revealed with such deep authenticity.

Whether we are the person expressing the emotions revealing themselves in our body or the person hearing them expressed by another… in this interaction, we enter into a sacred covenant of understanding and compassion, helping to heal ourselves and helping to heal another.


As simple as a soft, gentle step away from the usual fray we engage in and into a space of Divine interaction, offering and receiving the tender grace of a kind and loving heart.


                                                         Marie Helena

image from pinterest.com